>> SHELETTA: THE HOTTEST SPORT IN TOWN RIGHT NOW AT THIS VERY MOMENT IS WRESTLING AT THE UNIVERSITY OF MINNESOTA.

IF YOU HAVEN’T BEEN WATCHING THE MATCHES ON THE BIG TEN PLUS NETWORK, YOU’RE MISSING A TREAT.

MINNESOTA HAS WON FIVE STRAIGHT ROAD DUALS BEATING BOTH ILLINOIS AND IOWA.

IN FACT, THEY ARE SO GOOD -- I BET YOU DIDN’T KNOW THIS -- SINCE 2024, THE GOPHERS HAVE WON 10 OF THEIR LAST 11 ROAD MATCHUPS.

AND I’VE GOTTA HURRY UP AND FINISH UP THIS MONOLOGUE BECAUSE THEY’RE GOING UP AGAINST RUTGERS TONIGHT, AND I DON’T WANNA MISS IT.

I’M A NEW FAN OF COLLEGE WRESTLING.

BUT I GREW UP WATCHING WRASTLING.

WRESTLING IS STRATEGIC AND SANCTIONED BY THE NCAA.

WRASTLING INVOLVED TWO-BY-FOURS AND METAL CHAIRS.

ONE OF MY FAVORITE TYPE OF WRASTLING MATCHES WAS THE TAG-TEAM BATTLES.

WHERE TED DIABASI WOULD BE IN THE CENTER OF THE RING PUTTING A WALLOP ON HIS OPPONENT BEFORE TAGGING HIS PARTNER JUNK-YARD-DOG WHO’D COME IN AND FINISH ‘EM OFF.

I LOVED THOSE TAG-TEAM BATTLES.

I REMEMBER AS A YOUNG GIRL SETTING UP IMAGINARY MATCHES PICKING THE WRASTLER I WANTED TO PARTNER WITH.

THINKING TO MY 14-YEAR-OLD SELF: IF I’M GONNA BE FIGHTING OFF THE BAD GUYS, I WANNA DO IT WITH ANDRE THE GIANT OR HACKSAW JIM DUGGAN.

YOU KNOW, BIG GUYS WITH STICKS.

NOT SO MUCH NOW.

I TURNED 54 THIS PAST TUESDAY, AND MY PERSPECTIVE HAS CHANGED EVER SO SLIGHTLY.

I’VE COME TO THE REALIZATION THAT IF I’M IN A BACK ALLEY BRAWL AND I NEED A REAL FIGHTER, I’M NOT WHISTLING FOR STONE-COLD STEVE AUSTIN TO SAVE ME.

UNH UNH, HONEY.

I WANT ONE OF MY SNOWBALL-THROWING MINNESOTA NICE NEIGHBORS TO COME TO MY RESCUE.

BECAUSE APPARENTLY THERE IS NOBODY WHO WILL FIGHT HARDER FOR THEIR FRIENDS THAN A LUTEFISK-EATING POLAR-PLUNGING PULL-TAB-PLAYING MEAT-RAFFLE-WINNING TATER-TOT-HOT-DISH-EATING ICE FISHING LUTHERAN IN A PLAID SHIRT.

AND I AIN’T JUST WHISLTING DIXIE.

[ WHISTLING ]